"Who Barted?"

I'm In

2006-10-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

Mostly moved in this weekend,,, just a couple more car loads and I'll be done.

Many thanks to Mom, Tim, Larry, David and Anna!

You are all the wind beneath my wings... or the hand-cart beneath my armoir.

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Farewell to the BDW Suite

2006-10-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

It's moving day and time to say goodbye to the apartment that I have called my home for the past two years, "The Billy Dee Williams Suite".

(see previous post)

So that this psuedo landmark will retain it's note-worthiness (is that a word?) I have created a card that I will leave behind so that future occupants can know the history of these walls.

Hopefully some over-zealous maid won't carelessly discard my memorial marker ... just in case... I have hidden this card high above the doorframe inside the hall closet under the stairs.

Here is the text of the card:

It was brought to my attention from a reliable source (the maintenance man) that this apartment was once occupied for a couple of months by Billy Dee Williams the actor. BDW was filming the movie “Constellation” in Huntsville in 2004 and needed a place to kick back away from the throngs of groupies, stalkers, hangers-on and suck-ups... so he chilled right here in this apartment.

BDW portrayed Gale Sayers (Brian's Song) and Lando Calrissian (Star Wars-The Empire Strikes Back) and many others.

If you want to discuss it further please look me up on my blog...
http://studiobart.blogspot.com

Enjoy the apartment!

------------------------------------------------------------

Enough of this foolishness ... I need to get moving.

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Don't Do This

2006-10-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

New house photo... moving in this weekend. Check out what the previous owners did to the guest bath lighting fixture. They used those swirly energy saver bulbs ... it looks retarded.

Blog? What Blog?

2006-10-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

For those still checking... I will keep blogging but I can't promise more than a once or twice a month posting. I closed on a house (the one pictured last) and will start moving in this week. Empty boxes and heavy lifters welcomed.

Also...

I also have been spending a lot of my free time getting to know this wonderful woman ... "Ms. L"... Isn't she a hottie? Smart, funny, great cook, and as sweet as can be! I'm a lucky guy.

Blogging is way down my list of priorities.

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Pick a Winner!

2006-09-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

Don't know this guy. Don't know what he lost up there. Come on... he is almost up to his 2nd knuckle. Won't be giving him a high five.

Think he is from Auburn.

What TO Wear to a Football Game

2006-09-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

More Bama gameday photos to share. For lack of a better theme these photos are positive images of my family and friends for the most part in okay attire and sans mullet hair styles.

This first photo is of my nephew, Jackson in his Bama gear surrounded by some lovely Bama baton twirlers. You know this photo's going on his My-Space page... you know it is.

Here I am with my good friends and newlyweds, Daveanna They were kind enough to grace our tailgate with their bright smiling faces. We had to give a big thumbs-up to the Tide before the kickoff. BTW... that's my exaggerated big impact smile... that's why it looks cheesy.

I was guest of my bro, Stewart and his wife Cherie. We had so much fun before, during and after the game. Although Cherie and I had to monitor the drunk girl behind us during the game. She spilled her drink twice and we just knew she ws going to hurl on us at any moment. Luckily we were safe and made it through without that happening.

Thanks for the ticket, guys!

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What NOT to Wear to a Football Game

2006-09-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

Had a big Labor Day Weekend... went to the Alabama v. Hawaii opening football game in Tuscaloosa, AL. I have so many photos I could make 5 or 6 posts out of them, but I'll try and cram them into 3.

I just included these bodypainters in this post ... but they could easily go in the "What TO Wear to a Football Game" post. They were having fun and they are young and probably dumb. Spiced things up a bit. But come on ... Dude on the end! Put a sweatshirt on.

These four girls had on these dresses that go all the way to the ground. They are either A) Jehovah's Witness B) Wiccans or C) Stoners

Mullets were plentiful and I shot this one in the Bear Bryant Museum. His friend is giving me the "what you lookin' at" stare.

I'm sure this guy had a good reason to roll up his pants. Maybe it is a trend that I'm just not aware of... either way... I'm protecting his identity.

Bama won the game btw... Roll Tide Roll! Nothing like a WIN to make you forget that some of these people live in the same state.

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Home Search #2

2006-08-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

Don't get the impression that I bought the second house that I looked at. I have looked at a dozen but can't post them all. I barely have time to post this... the whole "single dad and self-employed graphic artist" priorites take presidence over blogging.

I digress ...

So anyway... the bachelor pad house didn't work out at all ... but my realtor found this gem and I made them an offer and they accepted.

Please start collecting boxes for my move. No hurry ... I have 60 days.
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Home Search Part #1

2006-08-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

Looking at homes this week. Ran across one that is larger than my apartment, in a good neighborhood, in my budget, two car garage, new appliances.

The seller is a bachelor and believe me he has the place "bachelored-up" I would definitely have to do some painting... and rip up the seafoam green carpet and put in hardwood. But that's nothing... I can do that.

It also comes with a 250 inch high-def flatscreen TV built into the wall along with a surround-sound system. Sweet, right? (well it looks 250 inches)

Anyway... looking at the photo you can see that there are some cheesy looking "theater curtains" on both sides of the TV. Those would come down for sure. Any suggestions on what to do instead of curtains? How would you decorate that wall? And unfortunately it doesn't come with the cool matching nude statues that are in the photo.

I need all the input I can get if I decide I am going to buy this house.

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They're Hitched

2006-08-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

"Daveanna"

Went to my buddies' (Dave & Anna) wedding Saturday night. It was the funniest wedding I have ever been to ... lot's of laughs ... some intentional ... some not.

They had tons of slide shows and audio and video running at different points during the ceremony. Is that a trend? I haven't been to a wedding in a few years so I don't know. Anyway it was very well done and entertaining. The flower girl and the ring bearer both exited the stage because they were either bored or wanting their respective mommies. But that always comes off as cute and funny.

I wish them both a long happy marriage. Both great kids... I need a tissue.
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PAID

2006-08-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

This note was stuck in my door the other day and I knew it was from the office here at my apartment complex. That's how the usually send correspondance 'round here. Stuff like"pool party on the 21st"... or "we're paving the parking lot next week" ... general news.

This was a notice to me to "vacate the premises" in 24 hours or they were going to have me evicted! Whaaaaat?

I pay ALL of my bills on time... every time ... especially rent. This is crazy.

This was after five and the office was already "closed" but I thought if I went down there I might could catch someone before they left. Didn't want this hanging over me all night... even though I knew I was right.

Sure enough three of the slimey rats were still there and I was waving the note around like they just left a bag of poo on my doorstep. The first posture they take is "well you are short $60 dollars on your rent thats why you got the notice.

I reminded them that they accused me just a couple of months ago of being a few dollars short as well and that they found that it was a computer error on their part.

Suddenly their posture changes... into nervous giggling and one of them says, "oh... we hate this computer system" and "there is no way for me to check to see if the computer is wrong" and "blah blah blah".

The one thing I'm not hearing is an apology. But they are all smiley faced and "oops, darn our computer it messed up again" ... and one of them even threw in a "I had to work until almost seven last night".

Clearly they knew I was right and everything was ok. One of them even said "when I was putting the note on your door I was thinking 'this isn't like him' "

And I'm thinking "then why the heck didn't you take five minutes to check your own records to see if maybe you goofballs were to blame instead of a resident in good standing? It must be a lot easier to take the time to write the note and get on your little golf cart and drive all the way over to the other side of the complex and shove a note in my door telling me to pack everything up and get out in 24 hours than to see if your computer was wrong... again!

Idiots!

So I wrote their corporate office a letter explaining the whole deal and how insulting and irresponsible they are... maybe sombody will get ripped a new one... maybe not.

I'm house hunting this weekend.

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They're Throwing Darts and People Watch

2006-08-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ran across this wonderful show last night... Darts on TV. I apologize for the poor quality of the photo I took of my television.

This guy was battling it out against the guy in the screen below

The most amazing thing about the fact that there is a show on TV about dart contests is that that means that there are a lot of people who watch "DARTS ON TV"!!!

I love the split screen action... so the viewer doesn't miss a thing

I really thought there was nothing more worthless than "BOWLING ON TV" but I now found a new low. Guess if you're passionate about something you want to see it on the tube. What time is that "Chutes and Ladders" tournament on? Need to Tivo all of these.

Frankly I'd be more entertained watching a shirt folding contest.
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Seriously?

2006-08-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

Ran across this quality furniture item in a store along with the matching sofa.

I would be dogging it if it was NFL furniture too... so I'm not just picking on NASCAR... but it does make it twice as redneck being that it is NASCAR.

Don't worry about the upkeep because:

The easy to clean vinyl logos are permanently adhered to the fabric through a patented welding process that is impervious to bubbles and peeling.

After the weekend's big race just take it out in the yard and hose off the spilled beer and bag of spicy bbq Lays chip crumbs.
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His Name is "Magnus"

2006-08-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

My pretend dog's name is Magnus. My daughter's favorite choice ... named after Will Ferrell's son.

I think it fits him perfectly. Thank you all for your input. As you all know, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks... in the end the main woman in the house has the final say... am I right?

-------------------------------------------

I'm coming clean on the whole "FRAGILE Incident" as it has come to be called. Of course there was blatent over-use of the word "FRAGILE" on the boxes. I just didn't want to upset the bride-to-be before her big day... but then it got to be a pride thing for me and my street cred.

But Anna is such a good friend of mine I know she can admit when I am right.

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Stand Corrected

2006-08-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

I feel I was a bit too hasty with the accusations against Anna over-using "FRAGILE" when labeling her moving boxes. As a matter of fact... I think she used just the right amount of "FRAGILE" labeled boxes.. not too many, not too few. What I did mean to accuse you (or David) of was over-use of duct tape.

Did I mention she and David will be getting married in less than 2 weeks?

Here is a logo that I designed for their official wedding logo (it did not meet with their approval) Not sure what the final logo looks like.

Be easy... be very easy!

2006-08-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

I helped my buddy Dave move this past weekend. He and the lovely Anna are getting married in two weeks. We loaded up a U-Haul full of Dave's belongings and a lot, a lot of wedding gifts. Whoever marked their boxes wrote the word "FRAGILE" on every single box.

Every box had "FRAGILE" items inside apparently and required care and tenderness in the move. So if every box is "FRAGILE" doesn't that make nothing "FRAGILE"? I'm claiming overuse of the word "FRAGILE"

Some of the boxes had "EXTREMELY FRAGILE" written on them. I translated that to mean "if you break anything in this box you're in big big trouble!"

Dave went all out for this move... the truck was brought into Alabama all the way from Alaska. Apparently no expense was spared... no distance too great to make sure the "FRAGILE" boxes made it to the new love-nest intact.

Name This Dog

2006-07-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Dana, who manages a lovely Habersham Furniture and home accessory store gave me this dog as kind of a "bart-er" deal for some graphic design work I have done for her.

She said I need to name the dog... so I am asking for suggestions please.

So far the list I have includes these names:

Magnum
Brutus
Pokey
Rosco
Petey
Junior
Tippy

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Not On the Same Page

2006-07-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

I heard back from the woman that wanted to hire me away from my self employment finally. She said that we "are not on the same page".... which is code for "you want how much money?"

Maybe I pushed it too far by asking for my own Seaside beach-front-condo. And I think I made her nervous by asking if shirts were required to comply with their business casual Friday attire. Hey... I have shirts!

Oh well ... at least I'll still have time to fullfill my blogging obligations.
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Lynard Who?

2006-07-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

At the last moment Friday I get asked by a new friend if I want to go to a concert in Birmingham, AL. The band "3 Doors Down" is playing at the Oak Mountain ampitheater. They are really good ... even I have heard of them and know many of their songs.

So we get our tickets at a Birmingham grocery store and look on the tickets and who else is playing? Lynard Skynard... well well well.

I am so out of the loop I think that the Skynard is opening for 3 Doors Down.

Once the concert starts I realize that it is the other way around ... 3 Doors Down opened for Skynard... what am I... a hundred years old?

Darn, I would have worn my rebel flag dew rag had I know I was goingto a Skynard concert. Instead I had on a Polo shirt and my Bass Weejuns. Skynard fans don't care... they were full of love.

Many thanks to the two groupie girls just behind us for fanning us with your ankle length hair as you danced continously for the entire three hours. ALSO... Take note, groupie girls: maybe next time don't wear the denim short shorts in public as your beer-gut pushed them off your non-existent ass every time you stood up.

And there was no surprise that when the crowd screamed "FREEBIRD!" at the end of the show... Lynard Skynard actually played "Freebird" ... imagine that. That bird you cannot change.

My Update is That There is Nothing to Update

2006-07-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have heard nothing on the new job.

My calls have not been returned therefore I don't know anything yet.

You know where to find me... I'll just be sitting here thinking creative thoughts and saving the world through innovative graphic images and well executed design and layouts.

Someone has to.
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Work for the Man? ... Again!!??

2006-07-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

I got a call a few days ago at 6:30 a.m. from an owner of a local ad agency. She wants me to come work for her as the agency's Creative Director. Currently I am a single, stay-at home, work-at-home dad. I love my freedom and work hours. (which are basically whenever the heck I want to work)

I am going in the morning to talk with her and see what she has to offer. What it all boils down to is health care benefits. Which really is a a thorn in my side... I loath loath loath anything to do with health insurance. It has entirely too big of an influnce on where I have worked over the course of my career.

Anyway... wish me luck... I don't do well in public anymore.
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Under-Rated

2006-07-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

"What characterizes the truly UNDER-rated icon is that its reputation is all out of proportion to the enjoyment, satisfaction, or benefit that can be, or commonly is, derived from it... blah, blah, blah."

In line with yesterday's theme...
here is my list of things
that I find to be under-rated:

Shaved-Ice
Hand Signals
Kreme Delite's Chilidogs
Pats on the Back
Contradictions
Stating the Obvious
Baby Wipes
White Space
Dogs
Un-salted Raw Almonds
Hand-Written Mail
Oscar Mayer Ready-to-Serve Real Bacon Pieces

Proper Use of Punctuation Marks

Silence
Plastic Ware
Big Stack of Quarters
4 Part Harmony
Gravy Boats
Old People
Secret Plays (any sport)
Plagiarism
Sweat

Over-Rated

2006-07-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

"What characterizes the truly over-rated icon is that its reputation is all out of proportion to the enjoyment, satisfaction, or benefit that can be, or commonly is, derived from it."

I would be interested in your
feedback on my list below of things
that I find to be generally over-rated:
(not always... but mostly):

Fireworks Displays
New Year's Eve
Being Single
Star Wars Sequels
Chocolate
Adulthood
NASCAR
The movie Scarface
Japanese Cartoons
Super Bowl Parties
Being Married
Sushi
Blog Lists
Local Parades
The Winter Olympics
Politicians
Coupons
Barbara Streisand
Starbucks
Prom
Being Normal
The Sense of Smell
Ben Affleck
Bumper Cars
Any Celebrity's Opinion on Anything
Poker on TV

Answers

2006-07-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

Janet wins the contest being the first to answer all correctly. So she gets to spend the afternoon with me. No airfare included (sorry). Just drive on by next time your in the North Alabama area.

Thanks to all who played along...

The Answers:
1. "Dy-No-Mite!!!" - JJ, Good Times
2. "Heeeeeeeere's Johnny!" - Jack Torrance, The Shining and Ed McMahon on the Tonight Show
3. "Sit on it" - Happy Days
4. "Wheeeee Doggies" - Uncle Jed, Beverly Hillbillies
5. "Hasta la vista, baby" - The Terminator
6. "Houston, we have a problem" - Jim Lovell, Apollo 13
7. "Where's the Beef?" - Clara Peller in commercials for Wendy's
8. "Yada yada yada" - Seinfeld
9. "Don't have a cow man" - Bart Simpson
10. "Can you hear me now?" - Verizon Wireless ads
11. "BAM!" - Emeril Lagasse

Extra Credit:
"Wha' Happened?" - Mike LaFontaine (played by Fred Willard) in the movie "A Mighty Wind" so so so funny!

Catch Phrases

2006-07-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am compiling the worlds most complete list of catch phrases. Not to be confused with my world's most complete List of Nicknames

First I want to have a little catch phrase contest. Check out the list of phrases below and guess their origin. some are obscure and the first one to correctly identify all of them wins a free afternoon hanging with me. (airfare not included) Answers will be posted later.

1. "Dy-No-Mite!!!"
2. "Heeeeeeeere's Johnny!" (2 answers accepted)
3. "Sit on it"
4. "Wheeeee Doggies"
5. "Hasta la vista, baby"
6. "Houston, we have a problem"
7. "Where's the Beef?"
8. "Yada yada yada"
9. "Don't have a cow man"
10. "Can you hear me now?"
11. "BAM!"

Extra Credit: "Wha' Happened?" - if you get this one... I might consider paying airfare

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I'd love it if you'd leave one of your favorite catch phrases for my list.

.If you

Who Whated?

2006-07-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

Finally getting around to changing blog name after my November 3rd '05 post. Didn't want to do anything too hasty. Thanks for the suggestions in the suggestion box.

Lost in the Translation

2006-06-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my daughter is taking phoned-in orders at a steak and burger delivery place. (Which by the way she will not let me take a picture of her in her official uniform.)

So she gets a call yesterday and the woman calling in an order in broken english wants "a hamburger with cheese"

So my daughter repeats the order back "a cheesburger"

"No no no" ... "I want hamburger with cheese on it" ... "not cheeseburger"

– ? – ? – ? –

Ok... so she got that instead. ... Glad my days of dealing with the public are over.
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Way Back

2006-06-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

Let's play dress-up!

First of all let me say that I never do participate in blog organized activities. But I was looking for an opportunity to put this photo of me in my brown prom tux for a while and it just seems like today is the day.

Do not adjust your monitors... the tux is brown and the trim on the ruffle shirt is a matching brown. Sweet! The year was 1980 and the "Ralph Malph" helmet hair was ready for action. My lovely date, Benay, was stunning in her matching brownish prom dress. I have never been as dressed up since.

What A Country

2006-06-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Name one other place in America where you can buy a gross of bottle rockets AND a goat. My brother Tim (pictured here) has perhaps struck summertime gold by giving the consumer one-stop fireworks/goat roadside shopping experience... unavailable anywhere else that I'm aware of. Okay maybe in some remote Chinese provience high in the mountains... but really this is closer.

So if you're driving on Hwy 231/431 north of Huntsville, Alabama look for the signs. Stop in and say "hey" to my brother, Tim.... tell him Bart sent you. Ask for the "Blogger Discount" and he might throw in some roman candles.
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Spaghetti Cake

2006-06-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

Laura was heating up some spaghetti for Larry & I last night and plopped it on a plate from the plastic bowl. It was great with the sauce by the way. Thanks, Laura!

Next week she's making chocolate pudding that looks like a lobster and then she'll make cheese grits in the shape of the Washington Monument.
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Happy Dad

2006-06-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing quite says "I love you Dad!" like an extremely sharp kitchen knife and a cool cutting board.

I had hinted around that that is what I wanted and needed. They pull through every time. I love 'em!

Now I can cook just like Racheal Ray.
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Gold-Diggers and Long Lost Cousins Stay Away!

2006-06-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I won the lottery while down in Florida. Not the big $9 million prize... but the $4 prize.

Me and my two buddies made a pact to split all of our winnings and win we did! After taxes I figure we each won 67¢ ... I'm no math wizard but that's pretty sweet right?

So I'm going to be heading back down to the coast to collect my share. I'll be back in 14 hours.
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Back From Vacatiooooooonnnn

2006-06-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

The three amigos just returned from Destin and had a blast. Soaked up lots of sun and fried crab claws. Jealous? Get over it.

Laura, Larry and Bart... sporting our coolness

We stayed at the Sandestin Hilton and enjoyed our balcony view

I fell asleep one day by the pool and got some uneven burn lines but other than that the trip was a success.

Deliver De Letter... De Sooner De Better!

2006-06-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Snapped this photo yesterday on my way through Madison on Mill Road.

This guy wants his mail still delivered ... but just not a lot of heavy mail.

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Death Before Fashion Disaster #2

2006-06-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

My 16year old daughter has her first job that she starts tomorrow. It requires a red cap and matching red shirt. She has to get pants and shoes today...

Me: ... What kind of pants do you need to get?

Daughter: ... They said Duckhead or something like it

Me: ... What color?

Daughter: ... navy blue only ... why do they want navy blue pants when their shirt colors are red, BLACK and yellow? Why not black pants?

Me: ... I have no idea

Me: ... What kind of shoes?

Daughter: ... black or white tennis shoes

Me: ... so you're getting black shoes?

Daughter: ... white shoes ... black shoes with navy blue pants?

Daughter: ... why would you get black shoes to go with navy blue pants?

Me: ... so the dirt won't show?

Daughter: ... Dad, stop talking now

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Oops ... I did it again with the function over fashion logic.)

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I Ruined It ... Didn't I?

2006-06-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

To give you a quick overview... I am a single dad ... not real handy in the kitchen (but making steps forward) Looks like I took a step back last night.

I mastered french toast a month ago but apparently I haven't conquered boiling water yet. I put my copper-bottomed Revereware empty on a hot burner and I got distracted. Came back and poured cold water in it and boy was that a mistake.

There was black powdered dust all over the stove top. Any harm in me still using this pan other than the fact that I uglied it up?

Base Tan

2006-05-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's Memorial Day weekend, the traditional start of summertime. I love hanging out at the pool, being around water and wearing shorts because it is extremely hot here in Alabama.

Problem is I am very fair complected being that I am a freckled redhead. solution is spry-on sunscreen and common sense.

Below is an illustration showing my current skin tone and also pointing out some of my problem burn areas:

Do Not look Directly at the Skin Without Sun Glasses

My "goal tan" is depicted next. This would be acheived with the optimum mix of sunlight that has been filtered through layers of UV 30+ constantly reapplied through the day.

Savage Tan

Who I am I kidding? Below is the actual results I can expect:

Apply Aloe

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Having Not a Bad Day

2006-05-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

I never really get use to being right all the time.

Congrats to Taylor Hicks and all the Idol contestants. They are all winners aren't they?

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Yo, Dog Check It Out

2006-05-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am hanging wit my peeps (Laura and Larry, pictured above)... We will be having an American idol viewing party.

I am calling my shot right now before they even perform ... Taylor Hicks will win it this year.

Reasons he will win:

A) He is from Alabama

B) He did not dye his hair when handlers and stylists suggested he do so

C) He is a twitching-funky-dancing freak

D) He can sing

E) Great cleavage (NO... wait... that's why Katherine might win)

F) America loves it when he looks like a dad doing karaoke at a picnic

Mystery Solved

2006-05-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

Ok so Kelsey is staying with me tonight and I told her I thought the mystery woman she sketched (see previous post) is "Katherine McPhee"... nope

"Mischa Barton" ... nope

"Katie Holmes" .... nope

"Kami" ... who the heck is Kami? ... nope

It is Michelle Rodriguez who plays "Ana Lucia Cortez of ABC's hit series Lost.

Thanks for all the help anyway.

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Who Is This?

2006-05-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

My daughter drew this woman/girl's face this morning on my refridgerator note board then asked me to guess who it was. It is a celebrity and my daughter was put-out with me for not knowing immediately who it was.

I guessed "Kate Winslet" and then she told me that it obviously was not a redhead because of the eyebrows.

Then she said she would not tell me. Are all 16 year old girls this sensitive?

Help me guess who the freak it is!

I am thinking a TV star and not a movie star.

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Quality TV

2006-05-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

If you are not watching this NBC show then you are missing the best show ever. I weep for you.

Drivin' Me Crazy

2006-05-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Eyewitness account artist rendering

A dreaded call from my ex:
"Kelsey's (our daughter) had a wreck but she's alright."

A few minutes later I get a call from my daughter to fill me in:

K: "Dad?"
me: "Are you okay?"
K: "yeah..."
me: "what happened?"
K: "...it was right after school and the roads were wet... I wasn't on the phone... and I wasn't fooling with the radio... I might have been following a little too close."
me: "what did you hit?"
K: "... a Jeep Commander... it didn't even hardly get a scratch on it"
me: "... and your car?"
K: "... it is probably totalled... they towed it away"
me: " ..... "
K: "the policeman said I was only going 10mph... my airbag didn't even deploy... it could have been a lot worse."
me: "well you probably learned a valuable lesson"
K: " a valuable lesson? ... I didn't do anything wrong"
me: "Okay... you've had a valuable experience" (I am such a pushover)

Way Back in 1987

2006-04-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

Today is my son, Alex's 19th birthday. He is away at college and making me proud as always. He will be prescribing medication and conducting cardio tests on all of us in a few short years.

Here he is in a more recent photo with his girlfriend Kristy.

Happy Birthday, Alex!

Puppy Progress Report

2006-04-20T05:06:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love puppy photos except the communists and the Taliban?

Here are some photos of my brother Tim's puppy, "Napoleon". Compare him now to the pics I posted 11/25/05. He is a 6 month old Great Pyrenees and still has some growing to do.

Way Too Young

2006-04-11T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sad day.

Went to Nashville today for the funeral of my cousin David. He and five other marines were killed last week when the 7-ton truck they were riding in rolled over during a flash flood near Al Asad, Iraq.

Cpl. David A. Bass was 20 years old.

Hail Yes!

2006-04-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

Had a storm blow through here Friday night. It hailed like crazy for ten minutes but did no damage as far as I could tell. It was about pea size and I scooped up a bowl full to share with you.
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Keep Your Eye on the Can

2006-04-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

Who among us didn't enjoy an improvised game of baseball using your great grandmother's walking cane and an empty soda can when you were a yute?

Here we have my cute lil niece, Emily about to take a cut at some canned heat being served up by my lovely daughter, Kelsey.

No salary disputes, no suspected steroid use, no corked bats ... just good cheap fun.
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Check Out Chuck!!!

2006-04-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

I ran across this website today and laughed so hard I nearly lost a kidney. Here is a sampling:

Chuck Norris Facts:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Springtime in North Alabama

2006-04-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

Beautiful day on my Mom's farm north of Huntsville.

The goats are in full bloom.

Hope you are having a great day!
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It's Gettin' Hot In Here!

2006-03-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

The temperature outside is only 65°... my air conditioner is broken... So why is it 78° inside the Billy Dee William's Suite?

It's only March 7th... and its this hot.

Maintenance should have been here by now. If you need me I'll be in the fridge.
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Sweet Sixteen

2006-02-23T05:27:00.000-08:00

My baby turned sixteen this week and we had much fun getting the coveted driver's license. I watched as she drove herself to school for the first time this morning. Of course she has instructions to call me as soon as she gets safely to the parking lot.

Here is a photo with the car keys in one hand and the DL in the other ... oh... she just called and said that she got there okay. One trip down... 20,000+ to go.

In Praise of Butter

2006-01-20T16:17:00.000-08:00

Butter makes me happy. So simple, so plain... yet it gives so much joy. Is there anything butter can't do?

Side note: If you stare long enough at the slice of bread in the photo you can make out the face of frosty the snowman (or the Kool-Aid Man... not sure which).
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I'm Back, Baby!

2006-01-19T07:42:00.000-08:00

I know , I know! Too long between posts. Here are my top excuses for not posting in such a long time. Feel free to add your own as well.

1. The sun was in my eyes.
2. My dog ate my blog.
3. I didn't know it was against the law.
4. All the other kids weren't doing their posts.
5. I tripped and fell.
6. I have post-partum depression.
7. I got lost on the way to my computer.
8. I have been held captive by Al-Qaeda.
9. It's that time of the month.
10. Stranded in the Alabama Blizzard of 2006

Redneck Christmas

2006-01-02T11:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas with my Mom and 3 brothers always comes the week after. So we exchanged gifts Dec. 31st at my brother Tim's house out in the country. (that's him in the photo)

You might be experiencing a redneck Christmas if it is possible to have fresh goat meat on the holiday menu.

BTW- No goats were harmed in the posting of this blog. ... and .... No glue guns or glue sticks were given as gifts this year. (socks, DVD, and some money... thanks, Mom)

Happy New Year!
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Reason #37 Why Not to Shop at Walmart

2005-12-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ok... I went to Wal-Mart today... had to... long story. Also, as fate would have it, when I walked in I had to go to the men's room.

I touch nothing with my bare hands when I go into ANY public restroom. Especially a place as public as The Wal-Mart.

As I went to wash my hands I noticed that in two of the three sinks there was lots and lots of hair clippings. Apparently I had just missed someone getting their ears lowered in the restroom of the local Wal-Mart. It was probably some dude trimming his own mullet before getting his family photo taken at the Wal-Mart Portrait Studio.

Priceless!

That has to be just a step above a prison haircut.

So This Is Christmas?

2005-12-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

I am full of turkey right now.

What a great feeling, I could pass into a deep sleep at any moment. My two wonderful children came this afternoon and we exchanged gifts. Then we sat down to a rare event... I cooked a large meal, mostly from scratch. It took me most of yesterday to prepare so I was glad that they seemed to like it.

No glue gun so far. (Of course I don't exchange gifts with my Mom until next weekend)

Wishing peace and quiet to all of you.
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My Blog Policy

2005-12-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

If I can't think of a good blog... then my policy is not to post at all.

So how do I explain this crappy posting?

You shouldn't have... No really you shouldn't have

2005-12-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

Gift of christmas past. Here is the story:

Year: 1995
Gift received: Hot Glue Gun
From: Mom
Status: Returned it... didn't tell Mom

Year: 1996
Gift received: Hot Glue Gun
From: Mom
Status: Returned it... didn't tell Mom

Year: 1997
Gift received: Hot Glue Gun
From: Mom
Status: Returned it... didn't tell Mom

Year: 1998
Gift received: Hot Glue Gun
From: Mom
Status: I busted out laughing... told Mom and kept the damn thing... GEEZZZZZ

Now every Christmas when I open my gift from her I shake it and say "Hope this isn't another hot glue gun." btw- I love my Mom... she laughs at the glue gun story too.

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Bare Naked Christmas Tree

2005-12-12T10:56:00.000-08:00

Is there anything more depressing than undecorating before Christmas?
Lights on... lights off.

Oh well... maybe these new lights will make it through the 25th.

Side Post:
My favorite Christmas movies...

Christmas Vacation - "It's the holidays and we're all miserable"
How the Grinch Stole Christmas - Jim Carrey's best role
A Christmas Story - "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"
Scrooged - Bill Murry is rotten and funny

I need your help Clark Grizwald!

2005-12-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

Ok...

Tree out of closet... Check

Lights on tree... Check

Ornaments on tree... Check

Done and done. That was four days ago.

This morning the little electic lights aren't working. The outlet works just fine... I plugged a lamp in there and it is a working "hot" connection. The string of bulbs just gave out. Maybe if i kick and shake the tree it will come back to life.

Like I have the time to take all the ornaments off and then remove all of the dead lights ... and put all new lights back on and then ornaments back on.

Aaarrrgghhhh!!

Is this some kind of Chinese Christmas Light Manufacturing Mob conspiracy to drive me crazy??!?!

Pass me some eggnog and the Tylenol!

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I'm Not Weird... I'm Unique

2005-12-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

Got tagged to fess-up to 5 odd-ball, strange or weird habits.

1. Write lists about anything and everything.
I have a dry erase board in my fridge that gets a daily workout recording my upcoming grocery run.

2. Watch at least one "Court" show a day.
Serving up television justice cracks me up. Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, Judge Alex, Judge Joe Brown, Peoples Court, Divorce Court... and of course Judge Larry Joe from Texas Justice. You're out of order if you aren't an at-home jury member of any of these shows.

3. Sleep with telephone in my bed.
Keeps me in close contact with my Sweetie.

4. Stare into the food pantry.
Everytime I pass my food pantry in the kitchen I look into it and scan all the shelves hoping some great treat has magically materialized since the last time I checked.

5. Carry a small gray wishing stone with me everywhere I go.
My reminder from her that she loves me.

I am sure there are more... I'll start making a list.

Death Before Fashion Disaster

2005-12-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Conversation with my 15 year old daughter two minutes after we were suppose to leave for school this morning:

Kelsey: We have to stop by Mom's before school.
Me: Why?
Kelsey: I forgot to bring my bag with my earrings.
Me: Can't you wear the ones that you had on yesterday?
Kelsey: No. They don't match what I have on today.
Me: Can you go a day without wearing any?
Kelsey: Nope.

At this point she gives me that "sans-earrings-is-not-an-option -even-if-I-am-late-for-school-I am-still-going-to-be-fashionable" look.

Me: Let's go... I'll drive.
Kelsey: Don't drive slow on purpose.

I'll do almost anything to make her happy and to insure that she picks out a good nursing home for me when I'm in the "drooling-years".

(we made it with 11 minutes to spare)

My Drama Queen Can Beat Up Your Drama Queen

2005-12-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

My fifteen year old daughter, Kelsey competed yesterday in the Alabama state drama competion and won 1st place!

Now she goes on to the National competion in Orlando. To be honest with you I didn't even know that there was drama competion... but I guess there is for everything else so why not?

Anyway, I could not be prouder. Just glad she is using her talent for good instead of for evil.

Now I need to fall into the roll of the manipulative manager/father.

I knew her when.

Deck the Closet

2005-11-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas isn't right-around-the-corner. It's right in front of me.

There are about three feet of stored stuff standing between me and holiday cheer.

There is a pre-lit tree back there.

There is a box of ornaments in there too.

Billy Dee Williams might even be in there somewhere.
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Christmas in Dixie

2005-11-27T21:46:00.000-08:00

Spent part of this Thanksgiving holiday weekend helping my lovable redneck brother (That is Tim pictured) with his Christmas tree stand. We unloaded a tractor trailer full of fresh cut frasier fir trees and wreaths early Friday morning. The trees still had North Carolina snow on them from when they were harvested a few days ago.

Snow in Alabama! Something is wrong! Come and get one... we don't charge extra for the snow covered trees.

Puppy Photo Friday

2005-11-25T14:49:00.000-08:00

My brother Tim has a new puppy, "Napoleon". It is a Great Pyrenees about 6 weeks old and still small enough to hold. In a couple of months it will be big enough to crush me with one paw.

Fix That Hiccup

2005-11-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

If you haven't figured it out yet about my blog... I keep it simple... I keep it light. I try to bring a smile to the world, or inform the ignorant... I am a giver. So in the spirit of informing, I thought it would be a good time to pass on some cures for the common hiccup.

Share your remedies, here are some that I have used or that I have heard of. My girlfriend Faye swears by this one and says it works 100% of the time so it goes at number one:

1. Plug both of your ears, hold your breath and slowly sip water.

2. Eat a spoonful of peanut butter (my favorite)

3. Get upsidedown and hold your breath

4. Get someone to really, really scare you. (hard to do, cause you're expecting it)

5. Eat something really hot

6. Drink lots and lots of water

Your turn to add more (we're brainstorming here, there are no bad suggestions. if it is a lame suggestion, I'll let you know) ...........
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"Survey Says!"

2005-11-21T22:03:00.000-08:00

Now it is your turn...

100 people surveyed... Name something people love about Thanksgiving:

(Good answers only - of course)
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My Chandelier "Web-Site"

2005-11-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Looked up and low-and-behold I've been missing a spot in my house cleaning. My light fixture above my kitchen table resembled a chandelier in Disney's haunted mansion.

This is the before photo... Martha Stewart I ain't.

I did eventually clean off the webs and dust but there is no after photo.

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Blog on the Side

2005-11-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

I created a new blog so I could post some of my illustrations and artwork online.

Studio Bart

It mostly has some older stuff on there right now but I will add newer things as time allows. Illustration below was created a couple of years ago for a campaign promoting lower air-fares for the local airport.

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WAAAAA! Spilt Milk!

2005-11-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

Just bought... minutes ago ... a new keyboard to replace this one that took a direct hit from a nearly finished bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats last night.

I am a multi-tasking idiot.

Goodness in Every Bite

2005-11-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

The main problem with blueberry bagels is that it's hard to tell when they start to get moldy. Nothing earth-shattering here ... just an observation.

For Sale Now On Bart-Bay

2005-11-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

If you're into retro cooking... have I got the gadget for you. "Like New" never been used Popeil's Whip-o-matic. Been sitting in my grandmother's house in the box for thirty years just waiting for someone to whip up some meringue, pancakes or a lovely souffle. What's it worth? You tell me.

You can't afford not to buy it.

FYI... It comes with "Super Speed Planetary Action"... so it has that going for it.
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Billy Dee has a great new job!

2005-11-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Living in the BDW suite (see previous post) comes with certain responsibilities. One of which is the monitoring of the media for Bill Dee sightings.

Well I wasn't disappointed last night when I caught an infomercial of Billy Dee hawking a Bevis and Butthead DVD.

The same actor who has portrayed Gale Sayers (Brian's Song), Lando Calrissian (Star Wars-The Empire Strikes Back) and Secret Agent Zero (Secret Agent OO Soul) has shown his flexability once again by bantering on screen with the zany cartoon characters, Bevis & Butthead.

Man! He puts the "talent" in "Multi-talented"

Blog wasn't built in a day.

2005-11-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

This blog is built on shifting sand (not rock-n-roll as some might suspect) So the title kind of changes and probably will untill I settle on something I really like.

Some rejected Blog titles:
• Bart's VooDoo Lounge
• What Are You Starin' At?
• My "A" Game
• Bart's Virtual Funhouse
• Love Me, Love my Blog
• Bart's 15 Minute Time Killer
• Look What I Can Do

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Life in the BDW Suite

2005-10-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention from a reliable source that I am living in an apartment once occupied for a couple of months by Billy Dee Williams. BDW was filming a movie in Huntsville last year and needed a place to kick back away from the throngs of groupies, stalkers, hangers-on and suck-ups... so he chilled where I now also chill.

There are no visible signs that there was once Hollywood greatness within these walls... but if you are very quiet late at night you can almost hear the Colt 45 jingle.

Tours are available
Mon. - Fri. 10:00am - 5:00pm
Saturday 10:00 am - 4:00
Closed Sunday.
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New Favorite Show

2005-10-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

A surprise show (to me) with lots of laughs... The Adam Corolla Project on The Learning Channel (Tuesday nights at 9:00) very funny I give it two thumbs up. For whatever that's worth.

More NASCAR... less Poker!

2005-10-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

Ok... this has been bugging me for a while... Poker is not a sport! Why the h#@* is poker playing on ESPN? Am I taking crazy pills? It is not a sport! come on.. if you are sitting down and sipping on booze, then it is not a sport. Come on... back me up.

Not enough hours in the day

2005-10-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

I have been berated for not having posted in a while. As you can see by the representative photo I have work related obligations that take priority over foolishness like this. stacks of work not unlike this one... all labled "Rush", "ASAP" and "Need Yesterday".

Now if you'll excuse me the Price is Right is about to start without me. "Bob. is that real imitation leather on that recliner?"... "$225"

This Sums It Up

2005-10-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

Campaign for Quarters

2005-10-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had a need for quarters and they have completely evaporated in the two stashes that I have for change. I have a car stash ... and a jar in the house. No quarters left.

I have been buying quite a few newspapers lately (for the sports section) and those machines only take quarters... and I have filled my tires with air and those machines only take quarters... and I have vacuumed my car with those car wash vacuums and those machines only take quarters. If you're like me these days you use your debit card for everything and you just don't get change anymore.

So my campaign is this... I am going to panhandle on street corners for quarters (no dimes, nickles or pennies... those are all apparently useless) and my problems will be solved. That will be me with the cardboard sign "Quarters Only". I am a simple man.

Where in the World is Alex?

2005-10-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

My friend Mickey was at last weeks Auburn - South Carolina football game taking photos for a new panoramic image that he will produce, frame and sell. I help him with the PhotoShop work and I was looking over the photos and I think I found my freshman son, Alex in the student section.

Good to know that he is right where he is suppose to be... cheering on the second best team in the great state of Alabama. (he looks healthy and happy don't you think?)

Roger That

2005-10-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

Don't you think they should teach the phonetic alphabet to kids in school? It comes in handy... so I am posting it here for your convenience. Study it... and before long it will be as easy as alpha bravo charlie.

Phonetic Alphabet
A .......... ALPHA
B .......... BRAVO
C .......... CHARLIE
D .......... DELTA
E .......... ECHO
F .......... FOXTROT
G .......... GOLF
H ..........HOTEL
I .......... INDIA
J .......... JULIET
K .......... KILO
L .......... LIMA
M ..........MIKE
N .......... NOVEMBER
O .......... OSCAR
P .......... PAPA
Q ..........QUEBEC
R .......... ROMEO
S .......... SIERRA
T .......... TANGO
U .......... UNIFORM
V .......... VICTOR
W ..........WHISKY
X .......... X-RAY
Y .......... YANKEE
Z .......... ZULU

Bonus Candy

2005-09-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend, Faye bought me some ham last week from Star Market. They wrap the ham and add a piece of candy. Isn't that nice? They also put a pineapple slice and a cherry on top too. Meat accessories make me happy.

Trying to be More Like Dave... or... WWDD

2005-09-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Doesn't happen as often anymore. As a creative type I guess it should happen at least three or four times a day. Inspiration.... it should happen at least three or four times a day, right? For a creative guy... that's how I make my living... it is what makes me different from the chimps, right? I watch Animal Planet.

Anyway.. My friend Dave and his blog have inspired me so I am here getting my blog geek on. Check him out:

http://www.davidhphotography.blogspot.com/

He is good and getting better. He'll be on Kimmel or Conan before long. Mark my words.

So thanks, Dave! I needed some inpiration today.

The World's Most Complete List of Nicknames

2005-09-28T19:36:00.001-07:00

I am going to start compiling the world's most complete listing of nicknames. Of course I will need help... so feel free to toss some my way. Cool nicknames, funny nicknames, strange and unusual nicknames... I want them all. Hit me, baby.

Dude, Rock, Red, Bub, Freckles, Lefty, Foureyes, Squirt, Tiny, The Closer, Automatic, Tipper, The Gipper, Old Blue Eyes, T-Bone, Hammer, Chicky Baby, Punkin', Cap'n, Poser, Smoochy, The Bear, Tooty, The Big Unit, Princess...

Funniest New TV Commercial

2005-09-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

The new Cheese Nips TV commercial is by far the funniest spot on right now.
"Hey... I just had my gall bladder removed..."

Watch for it... love it

check it out here:
http://sidesalad.net/archives/002491.html

(Also those Burger King football spots are funny too.
Love that King in the end zone victory shuffle.)

A Note To My Friends

2005-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your patience and support. I am always just a breath away from throwing up my hands, getting in my car, driving to a beach and becoming a full-time pool boy for some resort hotel.